The Grind

There is something about me that pushes away people who are close to me. My step father never calls or writes me. I haven't spoken with my mom in almost two years. My family out in Oregon won't respond to my e-mails or requests to Skype. Most of the family that I came to Israel for I hardly ever see or speak with. I don't keep in touch at all with any old friends from the States, and rarely any from Israel. My Facebook and Gmail are always sparse and empty. Never any updates, never any new e-mail. I feel like there's something wrong with me. When I want to reach out to people I feel like I'm a hindrance, and therefore almost always decide not to. Most people that I've liked or loved in my life have rejected and left me. Nothing and no one stays in my life permanently.

I've been on my new kibbutz with my garin for almost a month now, and I feel like nothing has changed. I have a personality that forces me to be lonely all the time. The cliques that have formed don't include me-- it's like high school all over again. The "in" crowd has made it quite clear that they don't want anything to do with me, probably because I've unintentionally made it quite clear what I want nothing to do with them. Almost all the women on this small kibbutz are not that interesting, and the few interesting ones don't have that much interest in me. It's depressing.

It reveals a part of why I wanted to join the army in first place. Maybe it's because the only way I can form bonds with people is through hardship. The only people I ever manage to relate to are antisocial in some way. I can't sit down and have a fluid conversation with most people, unless I'm feeling in a particularly good mood, in which case I just put on a show that never lasts. I can't find common ground to talk about with most people. It's hard for me to feign interest and most things bore me. I only have the energy to contribute myself to something when I feel like I'm being pushed to my limits. I feel like I'm smothered by a thick carapace I developed when I was a kid. It grows like a weed and only on the extreme ends of my personality does it weaken and allow me to breathe a little bit. Only when I'm dog tired and heavily challenged do I feel like I've been able to breathe the air of life a little bit, but I rarely have the drive to do that to myself. I hope the army will push me to those limits.

I'm worried that I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone. I'll never be able to settle down with a girl and get married and start a family. Besides, a normal family goes beyond the immediate members. It means spending holidays at the grandparent's houses or having your sister babysit the kids every Sunday. I have none of that. My parents both live with their parents, are single, and will likely never be able to support themselves or make their own living arrangements. What does that say about me? What does that suggest about my future? I've tried so hard for this past year in Israel to make myself independent that I've pushed everyone away.

Where is my life going? It's always in transition. I want to be able to open myself up to people and let them know what I have on the inside, but I think that it's so fucked up that they'll head for the hills the second they see it. A girl on my garin walked into my room the other day and saw an Eminem poster that I have.

"You're an Eminem fan?"

"Yeah, a huge one."

"That's like the first thing that I've really learned about you."

When I talk to people I hide behind a shield of humor and make jokes and make fun of anyone who I feel threatened by, or just outright ignore them. I almost never let anyone in.

I like to listen to music that makes me feel like I have even the slightest clue of what's going on around me. Shit that puts things into perspective and sums it up nicely with a witty line. I just want to put on that music, tilt my head back, and float away forever.

On the other hand, there's a part of me that keeps telling me to push. It says that I have to live in the real world because there's a lot of good in it that can help me. That part of me tells me that slowly but surely I'm shedding away the things that I needed to protect me when I was a kid but are now unwieldy and isolating. One day I think I'll create a static situation for myself that makes me happy. For now, the grind continues. To my family and friends that will never read this: I love you. To all the people I've ignored and never given a second thought about, to all the people who think I'm a quiet and boring person and make not even the slightest fucking effort to understand me, to all the mother fuckers that thought I was weak and used that as an opportunity to make me the object of your humor, to all the people who I've hurt and belittled, to all the people I could have helped but didn't: I wish things had worked out differently. I'm probably hurting more than you are. I'm sorry that I can't be there for you now, and I'm sorry that you weren't there for me. Either way, as we all try to make sense of our lives, every clock in the world ticks on with a ravenous and insatiable hunger.