This is the second time I've visited New Jersey since I've moved to Israel. I still say that this is a notably unwelcoming place. It's a mental prison. On my way back from the airport I didn't see The Garden State, all I could see were endless cracked highways giving people transportation to their life-draining jobs. There were rows and rows of identical buildings housing grey interiors; the walls, the floors, the people, everything is grey covered by a polluted smoke cloud coming out of a factory's decrepit chimney.
I got home and saw my step-dad. I was happy to see him but I see that he hasn't changed either. He was watching the morning news, which I'm not surprised to see still spits the same stories in your face that you've heard a million times before. Superficial stories that are there only to capture and hold your attention at the cost of giving you useful information. They bring on experts who don't know shit and cover things that make you xenophobic and afraid of your neighbor. I hate it. It's like reality t.v. only less honest.
Everything is so familiar. As if time has come to a standstill since I've been here. Faceless memories come rushing back to me and combine into a single feeling of discomfort. It's haunting being here. The things that I do remember are for the most part unhappy or miserable. I feel like a prisoner revisiting his old cell.
There was a curveball this time: my mom came back to New Jersey a few days before me, but not for a visit, she plans to stay here. I haven't spoken to her since she left for Israel almost two years ago. From what I understand, there is a warrant out for her arrest here in my hometown, and also that the municipality is paying for her to live in a hotel temporarily. It doesn't make sense to me either. According to my grandparents, she arranged this through a friend of hers that is a detective. I have no idea what is true and false, all I know is that a vortex of contradictions, impossibilities, and broken lives follow her wherever she goes. My step-father says she called him at work and told him that he's going "to pay for what he did." I also heard that she left an ominous and vague message on her Facebook status about how she is going to "get her son back" (referring to my six-year-old brother who lives in here NJ with my step-father.) I'm still not ready to delve back into her world of lunacy. I don't know if I ever will be.
I've only been here for a couple of days. My itinerary while I'm here includes a week of rest and relaxation up at my grandparent's summer house in Massachusetts. I think I'll have a good time, and it's not that I don't want to be here in the States, but after living for almost a year in Israel, I no longer have a life here. I have some friends and family to visit, but other than that there's nothing. There's no future.
I watched two documentaries about Israel today, and I found my self fired up. I could barely sit still in my chair. I can't stand not being in my homeland. I need to get there and don the uniform and fight for my country. It's nice to know that after all this time I still feel as motivated as ever.
My plan is as follows:
July 23: Back home.
August 5th: Move to the kibbutz with Garin Tzabar.
October 3rd: Draft.
Eli - I'm curious - what were the documentaries you saw? I need a little pump up.. Hope all is well.
ReplyDeleteHey Josh, I tried to get the names for you, but they're no longer on demand where I originally watched them. One was about a guy who had the nickname the "Jew-Palestinian" or something similar, one was about when the IDF evicted Israelis from Gaza, and the last was about a Haredi guy that leaves his community and tries to make it on his own. The first two were good, especially the one about Gaza, but the one about the Haredi wasn't so interesting. It could have been, but the filmmaking was poor. Sorry that I can't get the names for you.
ReplyDeleteWe'll thanks anyway. I'll try to find those. Sorry I'm writing back so late. I like you're new posts, because they show that you're doing some serious introspection and actually show a lot of hope for the future. It is, of course, difficult to move to a different country - especially a country like this one. But, I think you'll find your way and as long as you keep introspecting things will come together. I don't want to come off as sanctimonious. Quite the contrary. I empathize with you and found myself in the same position when I got to Israel - albeit it lasted for a couple of months. My experience has always been: when you push yourself further and further you grow at an amazing rate. I think it was Emerson who said, "Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow." I'm wondering how many more clichés I can throw in here. But hey, clichés are clichés for good reason. Anyway, take care and don't hesistate to shoot me an email when you're in Tel Aviv. We'll meet up.
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