Recovery

This is the album that Eminem fans have been waiting for for eight years. He fucked up with Encore and Relapse was also a bust. He finally got it right with his most recent effort, Recovery. I don't know if it's obvious how many Eminem references I drop in my writing whenever I get the chance, but I feel like I do it all the time, too much even. He's my biggest influence as a writer and even as a person. It's not that I take his shit literally, if I did I'd be crazy, but when you look beneath the surface, there's a sensitive human being worthy of praise. Someone who was original and kept fighting no matter what the odds, who, despite his mistakes and imperfections, always tried to do the right thing. That's what made me a fan of him originally. I used to hate myself so much, every aspect of my personality was a flaw to me, and figured that everyone saw things the same way. I blamed myself for everything. My negativity affected everything in my life and I was so blinded by my own self-loathing that I didn't realize how much it was suffocating me. When I listened to the Marshall Mathers LP it was the first time I ever heard someone who, instead of shying away from what was wrong with him, would embrace it. If people said he was a pathetic drug loser/alcoholic, he would write a song like "Drug Ballad" and say shit like:

"Then in a couple of minutes that bottle of Guinness is finished
You are now allowed to officially slap bitches
You have the right to remain violent and start wildin'
Start a fight with the same guy that was smart eyein' you
Get in the car and start it and start drivin
Over the island and cause a 42 car pile up "

And the whole point is to say "Fuck you, blow me. I am whatever you say I am." It was so liberating, and though I didn't understand it at the time, I was learning what it was like to accept who I am. Eminem does it in such a fierce way. He takes what you say about him and shoves it in your face, and exposes your own shortcomings and hypocrisies. It was a slow process that took a few years, with influence from other people as well, and the courage to live life on my own terms, and I haven't even realized it until recently, but I've reached a point where I no longer despise myself. I can finally breathe.

I also recognize that I'm maladjusted in a lot of ways, but I don't feel so bad about it. I also accept that not everyone will understand that, and they need not concern me. I recognize that it was inevitable I'd come out scarred on the other side, considering the way that I grew up. Anyone would if they walked a mile in my shoes. I'm even happy about it, because I matured much faster than most people, and I take a unique perspective on most things. I don't feel like I spout out ideas that are spoon fed to me.

So listen, I'm going to tie this into Israel. There are lots of reasons to come to Israel, and not everyone will identify with what I'm about to say. This is for those of you who got dealt a shitty hand in life. If you hate yourself and are stuck in college or high school, and are afraid to be yourself, if you have something to prove and aren't finding the proper outlets, if you can't fit in, if you want to finally be a part of something that isn't dysfunctional and oppressive to your spirit. If you want to feel like you belong somewhere, then it's up to you to get your shit together. I promise that almost no matter what, it'll pay off. You'll realize that you have something to offer the world. Even if you decide in the end you made a mistake, it's time to start discovering who you are while you're young and have the opportunity.

If you're reading this from your home country and are hesitating about pulling the trigger, the odds are that you should finally grab the reins and take control of things. If you read this blog, you'll probably find the fulfillment you desire here in Israel, but I can't say for sure. All I can tell you is that I found that fulfillment here, and for the past year (well, almost a year) it's been working out much better and also much differently than I imagined. There are lots of highs and lows, but don't sweat it, it's all a part of the package.

Stop apologizing for who you are. The people and entities that are supposed to take care of us and turn us into functional adults suppress us and beat us to the ground all the time. You need to adopt a different, more healthy attitude. Eminem puts it a lot better than I do:

"If I ever gave a fuck, I'd shave my nuts

tuck my dick in between my legs and cluck
You mother fucking chickens ain't brave enough
to say the stuff I say, so just tape it shut
Shit, half the shit I say, I just make it up
To make you mad so kiss my white naked ass
And if it's not a rapper that I make it as

I'ma be a fucking rapist in a Jason mask,"