Rock Bottom, Conclusion

There is also a third type of "rock bottom" that I won't use any outside source to explain. I've felt this several times in my life, including during my time in Israel. The feeling of utter desperation and that the painful moment you are in will never pass. It happens when the excuses and rationalizations you use to ignore what makes you unhappy stop being sufficient, or go on vacation for a little while, and you have to mentally stare your demons right in the face, and let them torment and whisper things to you. It happens when you let feelings like envy, anger, or sadness, take over and go into overdrive. It is different than the past two definitions, because unlike the past two definitions, this type of "bottom" can be both temporary and long-lasting, and can happen even if your situation in life is by most measures not so bad.

For example, a few months after I made Aliyah, I remember that I was having trouble making friends on my kibbutz, I felt like I was losing touch with my family, my Hebrew seemed like it was going nowhere, and I the army was so far off in the distance I couldn't use it as consolation. The truth is that I was living my dream, had every reason to be happy, and was crying over spilt milk. 

For a couple weeks I was in a funk, and felt like I wasn't fully there. I was trying to completely desensitize myself from the world. After all, if I just ignored everything and retreated as far as possible into my comfort zone, until I couldn't even see the light of day, then I'd stop being so sad, right?

Of course, the answer is no. Hiding from your problems makes you weaker and also gives them time to grow. I stopped talking to people as much as I could, I ignored my Hebrew studies, and I didn't reach out to anyone, neither friends nor family. If they interacted with me either by visiting or calling I would be as brief as possible and try to shoo them away. It was a cowardly way to act and a pathetic way to deal with my issues. I embodied with my own personal actions all the things that I hate about modern society, which includes narcissism, not taking responsibility for my own life, and the worst thing, which is expecting someone or something to come in and solve all my problems for me so that I don't have to.

As for Eminem's version of "bottom," I haven't gotten anywhere near to the point described in the song, but I've had a few experiences that made me relate to his anger. Getting fired from a minimum wage job after I had been there for two months, always showed up on time, never complained, and did what I was told, all because the management didn't want to be mildly inconvenienced, was rattling. The punch-line is that I wouldn't have gotten fired if I hadn't tried to do them a favor.

Growing up in a wealthy area where everyone is given personal attention and everyone has his problems considered on an individual basis, I'm not used to dealing with people that have no concern about how and when I'll eat, or how I'll pay my rent. It's chilling really. I feel jaded, because for the rest of my life whenever I'm staying in a hotel or some other place of business and someone in a managerial position smiles at me and tries to make small talk, I know that it's almost certainly my wallet that he or she'll be smiling at. I now know what it is to stripped of your humanity and objectified.

It's taught me to cherish those friends and family that are really there for you because they care about you as a person, not about something they're getting from you. If love or friendship is conditional, it's infectious waste and should be cut out of your life immediately. I've also come to appreciate what a difficult thing it is to find a job in a world that values professions and trade skills if you have none. At work the other day, a guest asked for a cup of coffee. I pointed out to him where the coffee cups are, since I was busy and he was closer to them than I was. I want to add that I am a waiter in a self-service buffet, not in a restaurant, so it’s not like I was being lazy.

He goes to get his cup and says to me, "You know, I'm not used to doing these things myself. At home my wife brings me the coffee, and here at the hotel, I expect that the waiter will bring me the coffee." He said it in a smug voice like he was talking to a five-year-old, and stuck his chin out at me while speaking. Then he poured his cup, like everyone else has to, turned around, and walked righteously back to his table, content that he had made right some of the evils that are plaguing the world.

My blood boiled. Only someone who grew up in privilege would say something like this-- someone who's never had to worry about where he's going to sleep tonight. Here I am, struggling with money, with a foreign language, and with figuring out where I'm going to live while I'm in the army, away from my home country, without anyone supporting me, and earning minimum wage without tips at a job where I get bossed around all the time. It’s hard to not take comment like that personally. On the upside, I think I’ve finally arrived to a goal of mine: experience working as the crap of society, as the people that bring you your food, fix your cars, clean your houses. I’ve always had respect for labor workers that sweat more than anyone else but end up earning the least, and now because of my own personal experience I can relate to people stuck in similar situations.

I've also started to admire the "rock bottom" in Fight Club. The idea that the more we take away the things that aren't absolutely essential in our lives, the more personal autonomy we have, and the less other people can influence where we go with our lives. The philosophy that, if we take away the bullshit, we can focus on what's important, and truly accomplish something. It takes an immense amount of effort, but everyday I try to do only what's worthwhile. I try to produce instead of consume.

I’ve also come to despise excess material possessions. I don’t like my wardrobe that consists of clothes I bought back in the States from designer labels with my step-father’s money. It’s not that I’m ungrateful, but rather, that I’ve seen how dumb it is to define yourself by what you own. Now that I can’t afford these types of things and have been forced to spend only on what is most important, I’ve come to learn what’s essential and what isn’t. Plus, if a lot of what I own is unnecessary and only a sad attempt to fit into society, what does that say about me as a person?

The more I personally adopt this style of life, the less that I want to waste my time and the more I want to work towards something. I can feel my life ending one second at a time, and I’ll be damned if I’ll live vicariously through media outlets. If I can at least write a little, exercise a little, read a little, and study a little, I feel like I'm working towards something greater than myself. Lethargy has always been my personal demon, and it probably always will be. If I’m not careful, I can waste entire months doing nothing useful.

All of these thoughts were sparked when I almost drafted this passing Tuesday, and I truly felt like I was hitting rock bottom. Several things struck me. First of all, I wasn't ready to go to the army at all. I had nothing arranged in terms of a long-term place to live, but more importantly, I hadn't studied Hebrew like I should have, I hadn't updated like this blog I should have, and I hadn't exercised enough. Five days before I supposed to go, the draft got extended. I think what I felt was a less intense version of what someone who's terminally ill feels after being miraculously cured. All your rationalizations go out the window and you only look at your life in terms if what you got done, and what you didn’t get done. The excuses are finally treated as the useless things that they are, and you are left in a sea of regret. Then suddenly your cancer goes into recession and a fire burns inside you that makes you more motivated than ever because you've been given a second chance.

As such, I'm more determined to make the most of my time. It took ten-months, but I finally am starting to feel the pressure to work and perform. The gravity of the fact that I'll go into the army at almost twenty and come out at twenty-three hit me with force for the first time. The youngest days of my youth are homing in on the closing stretch, and I’m not happy with my accomplishments thus far.

Thinking closely about these three types of "rock bottom," that is, Eminem's version, Fight Club's version, and the emotional version, have helped me find meaning in life. I believe that everyone finds meaning in his own way, and I'm certainly not saying this what everyone should do, but what follows are my personal thoughts. 

The goal is to hit “rock bottom” and to turn into the powerful free spirit expressed in Fight Club, not the inhumane criminal of Eminem’s song. If I ever hit an “emotional” bottom, I need to stay focused and move through it fast as possible. I need to discover what's important to me, and dedicate every ounce of my energy to accomplishing those things, and to know that exhaustion is rarely a legitimate reason to stop working. Maybe this way, I can create and contribute something valuable to the world, make meaning for my own life, and not just waste air all the time.