Settled In

It just occurred to me, just this moment. I've been thinking for weeks about topics I could blog about, and have been drawing consistent blanks. And now I've got it, the reason I have perpetual writer's block. Ready? My life, my grand scheme to turn everything upside down in an attempt to become a better person, has actually become routine for me. As in, my life in Israel is no longer novel, fresh, and exciting for me, like it was when I first arrived. It only took nine months. I've become settled in my rebellion. Why? Because no matter what situation a person is in, as long as the fundamentals don't change, after a few months nothing will really seem all that special. I was reading some of my posts from when I first arrived here, and it's incredible what a different mindset I'm in.

I mean, I still have all the same goals, but none of the same feelings. I haven't fallen into mundane apathy like I had back in the U.S, but I've been in Israel too long waiting to go to the army. I'm a zionist and I came here to contribute something. As of right now I'm living right out side of Tel Aviv and working as a waiter at a hotel. I'm earning minimum wage and living with my cousin in an apartment that I can't afford for much longer. I barely know anyone here and don't do anything except work.

I just want to fucking go already. So far it looks like I'm going to draft in November. Fucking November. Shit. And the thing is, my plans probably couldn't be much better, the only downside is all this waiting. I get to do Garin Tzabar. I'm not going to bother explaining what it is, but if you are thinking about coming to join the army in Israel, it is not just recommended, it is mandatory that you check the program out. Maybe it's not for you, but you'd be crazy not to at least consider it.

Back in the old days, I would have written something like, "Boredom sucks the life force out of you like some hellish vortex and the scariest thing is that the only thing bonding it to you is yourself" and then went on some emotionally fueled writing spree, but I don't feel comfortable doing that anymore. The fact is, I don't have that much to complain about, and because of that, as a fault of my own, I don't have all that much to write about. I have no emotional gap that I need to fill with creative self-expression. I have escaped the fucked-in-half dysfunction of my childhood, and started to grow up and mature, which is all that I really wanted. It's selfish to ask for much more than that. I keep thinking that while I'm in the army, I'll probably regret my decision and start writing some cynical blog about how horrific the life of a soldier is, how it's driving me insane, and how it represents the folly of society and mankind in general. I might just be one of those people that can't be content with the the situation he's in, and will always focus on the faults.

But I don't think so. I know that I'm going to struggle a lot in the army, but I also think that I'll succeed and in the end be happy with what I've done. I might even die, and even that doesn't scare me so much anymore. I've sort of come to respect and even embrace the fact. If death weren't a reality, my whole adventure would lose several layers of meaning. Am I afraid of death? Hell yeah I'm afraid of death. I don't wanna die yet. But I don't wake up sweating in the morning like I used to because of pure fear. I've mulled over my decision to join the IDF endlessly for the nine months I've been in Israel, and still haven't come up with a concrete reason why this isn't the best thing for me to do at this point in my life. And because of that, being afraid of the army and any bad things that might happen to me seems sort of pointless.

It's my observation that the people who succeed in the army are the ones who try the best that they can but don't really care where they end up, not because they have no direction or motivation, but because they believe in something greater than their own personal desires and know that the army will put them where they are most needed. I'm not trying to aim at a target anymore, I'm just trying to be a fired arrow with a sharp tip, so that when I finally do hit a target, I'll crush it.

Other than that, all is quiet on the western front. I definitely haven't given up on this blog, I think about it all the time, but it's going to be a challenge for me to churn out posts that I think are worthy of being read, at least for right now. When I start garin tzabar and especially when I start the army, it'll be a different story.