Portrait of a Beast (And a Survival Guide)

Ideologically I am behind Israel in every possible sense. I love this country, I love its inhabitants, and just the general atmosphere alone for me is so incredible that I could live here for the rest of my life (and just might do that.) However, there are some darker parts of this country that, for the sake of scientific documentation, I won't ignore. I have had many encounters with this formidable predator, and have walked away many times sans money or dignity. That is right my dear friends, I am speaking of the "Monit-Beast," or what is colloquially known as a "taxi driver." I kid you not; the Israeli taxis are not like what you are used to back home and you should be prepared for an undeclared tax on your accent that you won't be able to find written anywhere on your receipt. Even native Israelis must proceed with caution in the presence of a Monit-Beast. Most of them are like Travis Bickle, except more ruthless and less willing to negotiate.

This brutal and cunning creature will assess you before you even begin speaking. It will look you up and down-- at your clothes, the way that you walk, what kind of hair cut you have. It will do this quickly and if you don't pay attention, you might not notice it. It navigates through the streets of every major city and is available on call all over the country. All Monit-Beasts are legally registered with the government for environmental purposes.

The wretched creatures that inhabit the white carapace of the Monit-Beast are humanoids that are so convincing in appearance, you might mistake it for a person. They are actually hell spawns from the center of the Earth that have escaped to the surface. It will use its incredible sense of awareness to detect if you are a foreigner, and it will immediately offer you a fixed price if it thinks that you are weak. It will assure you that the meter will be more expensive, and that it is looking out for your best interest. It will start to drive before you even have chance to respond. There is a good chance it is lying and if you are unsure of what a fair price is to your destination then I strongly recommend you inform the fiend that you are only willing to use to the meter.

A wild flock of Monit-Beasts searching for prey.

At this point the Monit-Beast might try to persuade you to take his offer. If he does this then remind him that you are not requesting he turn on the meter, but rather that you are telling him to. It is the law of Israel and as such he has no choice. If the Monit-Beast tells you that he can't turn it on because it's broken then get out and go find another taxi because he's probably lying. If the hell spawn tells you that he can't turn it on because it's nighttime, that's bullshit, and the MB in question is beyond all doubt a filthy liar. However, beware the most horrific type of all the Monit-Beasts: the one that will take a longer route so as to run up the meter. Only the most daring ones will do this, and you are encouraged to ask why the driver is going in the direction that he's going, so that at least he will know that you are keen to his wicked methods of trickery, and therefore he may think twice before attempting such a contemptible maneuver.

On the subject of running up the meter, be careful of one of the Monit-Beast's must insidious rouses. The meter in an Israeli taxi has two settings, the first is for the day, and the second is for nighttime, Shabbat, and holidays. The second one is more expensive. Make sure that if one of those conditions isn't present that the meter is on the FIRST setting. This number is clearly displayed on the meter's screen. The Monit-Beast might suspect that you are easy prey, and you must be on your guard lest you fall victim like so many of our new immigrant brothers have in the past. We mourn for them.

The only surefire way to avoid being the victim of a Monit-Beast is never travel with one. Learn the buses and trains and save yourself a ton of money, and become more acclimated to your new city and country. Admittedly, there are times when there is no choice except to turn to a despicable Monit-Beast. I hope that I have given you at least a few useful tips that may make sure you don't get unfairly stripped of more money than necessary.

Also, to be fair, not all of them are like I have described. In fact, I have met quite a few taxi drivers that were great people. For the most part, however, I have only come into contact with the type described above. Especially the ones that patrol outside bus stations, train stations, and other hot spots. They are usually the most treacherous. B'hatzlacha.

And lastly, beware the Monit-Beast's favorite words of duplicity when you try to argue the price with him: "But it's right before Shabbat," as if that mattered. You are entitled to regular prices until Shabbat actually arrives.