We all have a list of things that if we had would make our lives so much better. They're the things standing between you and serenity. Maybe if you had gotten into a certain college, if you had gotten a certain job, if you were a little more athletic. It's all a fucking crock of shit. Odds are that you're in a situation where opportunities are everywhere to accomplish your dreams, or at least get you significantly closer, but you're the one who's too fucking lazy or scared or whatever to step-up and grab it. I'm certainly no exception.
I know that I bitch a lot on this blog, but that's because I think emotional artwork is powerful, can speak to the reader, and it comes naturally to me. It's not that I hate my life. If you read my personal journal you'd have a different opinion of me. I'd seem like a happy kid with basic concerns and frustrations for my future. It's here where I lay out the parts of my consciousness that are harder to swallow. The type of shit that I can't talk about with people during everyday bullshit chit chat because the subject matter is too heavy and serious and reserved for first tier friends and family, but I don't have a lot of those. Sometimes I want to scream and let the whole world see the pain I'm in, but I can't. So instead I try post it here in semi-coherent thoughts for strangers to read, because I need to be noticed. Herein lies the parts of myself that don't bubble to the surface during the day.
To the handful of friends I showed this blog to, I asked, "would you read this if you didn't know me?" I wonder what someone would think of me if they didn't see the lighter side of me, the side that jokes or chills back and relaxes. The deeper I dig into my psyche and write about this personal and self-indulgent shit for people to read, the more I'm daring the world to make my worst fear come true and tell me that I'm inherently and irrecoverably fucked up. The paradox is that the more I write, the more normal I feel. The more I see that people appreciate honesty and can relate to hardship, because we're all in this together and we're all going through the same shit, more or less. But the more I step on the gas and blog about progressively intimate shit the more I feel the car that I'm driving is shaking and about to explode, like all good things are inevitable stepping stones to some catastrophe. It's like the state of being happy is some infatuating mistress that I won't divorce my misery for because I'm afraid she'll leave me. And then where will I be?
But that hasn't happened yet. I'm gripping on to a life raft but I'm not even drowning. I'm too preoccupied with problems that for most part either don't even exist or are created by me, that I can't see all the opportunities around me. That's why I never update this blog, that's why I'd rather listen to songs I've heard a thousands times before for hours on end instead of reading a new book, exercising, or going out and socializing. I consistently need to retreat to a comfort zone to alleviate my emotions from my imaginary problems.
What does this have to do with Israel? Because the kibbutz ulpan program that I'm on is ending in a month and, while it's been a great experience, I've realized that I didn't take full advantage of being here like I could have. I wake up every morning and I feel great, and I'm sad that this is ending. I'll likely never see some of my friends from the ulpan ever again.
But really, I shouldn't be unhappy. I'm living my dream, for Christ's sake. I'm in Israel, I can see my family anytime I like, Hebrew is everywhere, I'm surrounded by interesting people, and I'm in the driver's seat. It's fucked up to think about that I'm actually LIVING MY DREAM but I still feel dissatisfied. It says a lot about the human condition because I know there are lots of people in similar situations. If I could appreciate it for what it is I'd truly be on the path to where I want to be. I'm not going to end with some campy "now that I've seen the truth everything is going to be sunshine and kittens" bullshit. I know that I'll be more or less the same tomorrow because people don't change overnight.
What I will say is this: I recognize a problem that I have. I think most people have this problem to some degree, maybe even everyone. I am going to work hard to get the most out of life and the situation I'm in, but it's not going to happen magically. I wish I could pull a rabbit out of a hat, but I can't. I'm still going to fuck up and get bogged down by irrelevant bullshit, but as my life goes on I'm going to try to learn to put things in perspective and hopefully end up where I want to be. The journey is more important than the destination.
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