Change

I've lost focus. I can't get in the proper mindset anymore. I set out here with the stars in my eyes and I figured that all my problems would vanish, like they were physical things that I would leave behind in New Jersey. I still have all the same problems and I still try to solve them in all the wrong ways. I still go back to my old habits and stress myself out in the same manners. I want to punch myself in the face when I think back to my childhood and think I was happy then. I want to puke my guts out when I see myself coming full circle, subconsciously recreating the conditions of my childhood.

I look around and I see that so many people are devoid of anything of value. Full of potential, yes, but with no desire to tap into it. The only thing valued anymore is who can force their personality on to other people the most. Who can knock other people off the stage and embrace the spotlight full on, by themselves. Do these people feel the companionship that I long for? Do they feel just as lonely as I do, or does having the attention of others inflate their ego enough to make them forget about how insignificant they are? I take a look around and see people trying on new identities all the time, throwing out the old ones like empty food wrappers.

Me, the biggest narcissist of all, with this fucked up blog and with these fucked up thoughts is left middling around and shunning anything that could possibly resemble an identity because I always feel like it's forced and unnatural, that it feels like a mask. But then why, if I'm the one who sees all the problems, do I feel like I'm always the victim? The one that suffers? Maybe it's because I'm not so special like I think I am. Maybe it's because when we're criticizing others we're really criticizing ourselves. Maybe, even though I see things about the world that I don't like, I don't have the balls to step up and do something about it. I don't even have the balls to fucking deviate from it. Instead I just crawl into dark corners and hope that no one will notice, waiting for this hellish carnival of self-indulgence that I'm witnessing to finally come to a halt.

Look, it's not that I'm unhappy here. I can see that if I was in college I wouldn't take it seriously and I'd always wonder "what if?" I couldn't imagine a better path for myself than the one I'm on. But it's become clear to me that being the person who I want to be is so far from where I am, it's not even visible on the horizon. Also, some of the things that I want to do are going to be insanely difficult. I used to write about how I was drooling at the mouth for challenge and hardship, so as to grow and see what I'm made of. I still want that, but now that I have its taste in my mouth a little bit I'm not so enthusiastic. It's not like I don't want to do this, it's just that romantic aspects of it are disappearing. Working eighteen to twenty hours a day with only two or three hours of sleep a night doesn't seem quite so awesome anymore. Whatever, what kind of person would I be if I didn't follow my dreams? I'm still very determined, but I lament what I want but do not yet have.