I'm here on my own. Out on the kibbutz it's weird that I don't feel much different than I felt in high school. Don't get me wrong, that vacuum of a summer vacation I was having was one of the worst things of my life my life but I'm here now and shockingly the world isn't slowing down to say congratulations to me for taking the road less traveled which really puts things into perspective. This is kind of a cliche occurrence, the protagonist imagines doing something so outlandish he can't even imagine it and when he finally does it he realizes that the stars in the night sky are equally distant as from where he was before. It's not depressing or anything, just humbling. I like to drink the "salvation lies within" KoolAid, but not in a religious sense-- just that life is what we make of it for ourselves, not that there's something waiting for us that we're supposed to find.

As a kid you grow up watching movies where grand adventures fall on the hero's lap, and you get older thinking that your own personal adventure is going to present itself any minute. There's no epiphany when you realize that's not going to happen, there's just the grind of a 9-5 that slowly silences your soul. When you finally figure it out, it's much too late. Not to say that your life gets wasted, just that it could have gone in a much different way. Human beings are creatures of passion, most people get their fixes watching soap operas and movies, others choose to live it themselves. I'm still a seven-year-old kid awestruck by movies like Jurassic Park and E.T., and I want to have an adventure of my own.

All that bullshit aside, I made it to the kibbutz and am doing okay. Lots of interesting people from all over the world, some annoying people, basically what's to be expected. I wouldn't actually say there's anyone I straight up dislike except for this one nineteen-year-old South American immature attention whoring little bitch. Luckily, this place is big enough where I can avoid him. One highlight from the last couple weeks was a when a bus driver thought I was on drugs because my Hebrew was so bad, but I take it as a sign of progress because he didn't realize I was a tourist. I've moved up in Israel from being perceived as a tourist to being perceived as a drug addled Israeli. I guess everyone starts somewhere.

Another time I was taking a 2 1/2+ hour bus ride back to my kibbutz and had a big bottle of water with me. I put on my iPod and started sipping the bottle and twenty minutes later, to my horror, it was empty. I ended up getting off at some stop still an hour away and pissing on the side of the highway for a good minute and a half. Then I waited at the same stop but no more busses were running because it was too late at night. I took out my cellphone to call my dad but for some reason Orange (my Israeli cellphone company) thought I was making an international call. I got on the phone with an operator who didn't speak English and had to argue with her for ten minutes in my shitty Hebrew to just let me make my fucking call please. I ended up going to a gas station down the road, ordering a taxi for 220 shekels. That's a little under sixty dollars for an hour drive which in America is a steal so I guess it could have been worse. As an Israeli woman put it to me, the busses here aren't used, they're dealt with. I couldn't agree more.

Here's a tip for practicing your language skills on native speakers. Don't smile like a little school girl every time you say something because you're excited you got it right. To them, it just sounds like normal speaking, and when you start smiling and laughing, wanting to get validation or something, you look like a baby that's grinning because it just shit in its diaper. Also, if you can find an English speaker who's serious about learning Hebrew that can be helpful, but in general try to speak as much as possible with people who ONLY speak Hebrew or whatever your target language is. It forces you to not cheat when you don't know how to say something. You'll be surprised about what you manage to communicate through your limited vocabulary and ridiculous gesticulations. Over all, be confident and persistent. You'll feel good when you work hard and see genuine improvement in yourself. I can't wait until I start dreaming and thinking in Hebrew.

Other than that, I've had to deal with a kid getting alcohol poisoning, and idiots in class that aren't there to learn Hebrew and want to talk the whole time. I also have a boss and coworkers who don't speak any English which is obviously good practice. I ran for thirty minutes yesterday for the first time in my life (fuck you, I'm out of shape) which was a big confidence for boost for me. Admittedly, I had to take brakes here and there but I finished none-the-less. What I'm worried about now is if I'll have the discipline to get myself into army shape in the next seven months or so and pass the gibush (tryout) for whatever unit I decide I want to be in. I'm also worried about how fucking difficult the army is going to be and if I'll speak god enough Hebrew by the time I get drafted.

My family back at home isn't helping. My step-dad has only called twice and my grandfather just put me through a guilt trip about how I'm making him unhappy and depressed. You only speak with me about three times a week and instead of having a conversation you want to just speak at me the whole time about how miserable you are? Really?Whatever, he's halfway around the world, his negativity can only do so much now. I have enough on my plate already to continue to emotionally invest myself in his bad attitude. Of course I sympathize with him also, I'm leaving him for a couple years and he hasn't seen his daughter (my mom) in a very long time but I need to keep myself focused on my own life, and he's not helping me do that. Worst of all, I haven't even spoken to my brother.

All in all, I'm happy with my decision and just continuing the grind. At this point, it's not so different than being college I suppose in the sense that it's parties at night and class/work in the morning. Being here and trying to balance work, study, and play, makes my life interesting if nothing else. I have a job stacking dishes which actually makes me happy because I desperately want to know what it's like to do the shit jobs no one else likes because I never experienced any of that going to a private school where everyone drives brand new cars that some people work their whole lives to get.

I'm on a vacation right now, for sure. A seven month calm before the storm. I'll update again soon, with pictures if I can.