Where I Am

Here it comes, a stream of consciousness. Where I'm at: I'm waiting to get my Aliyah application approved. Confusion be damned, I'm going to lay out my situation in full even though people never seem to be able to follow when I tell them.

I have been accepted a spot on a kibbutz in Israel to take "ulpan" (Hebrew class) for six months. Also, I will be working. If you don't know what a kibbutz is, it's a traditionally agrarian community of people that use whatever product(s) they specialize in to sustain themselves economically. Most of the kibbutznikim live on their kibbutzim for their entire lives, raise families there, etc. Most kibbutzim (note: whenever you see an "im" or "ot" on the end of a Hebrew word, it's plural) have programs for non-members (people that don't live there) to come and live on the kibbutz temporarily. In my case, a six month work-study program. There are lots of other programs if you're interested in going to Israel as a tourist for more than a few weeks pretty much free of charge. 

My kibbutz starts August 1st. Whether or not my Aliyah application is approved will be revealed on July 28th, except my shlicha (Aliyah person in charge of my file) has requested the process to be rushed. Now, I can't actually be denied Aliyah. It is my right as, as it is for all Jews, to make Aliyah. It's simply a matter of, will they want more documents? Given the situation with my mother, I've had to supplement many documents that I'd normally need her to give me. Since the situation is such that both my parents live in Israel even though I grew up in the US with my mother as my custodian for my entire life... the board in Israel is a little confused to say the least, so the chance that they will request more documentation is significant but not one can say for sure just how likely. They've already done it once, and each time they do it, it takes three weeks to get reviewed again, from the first business day in Israel AFTER you've gotten in the documents they've requested.

Anyway, my slot on my kibbutz is only valid if I make Aliyah. So if the board in Israel decides to request more documentation, it will be impossible for me to get approved between then and when the kibbutz starts since it will take at least three more weeks.

To add more confusion to this shit storm, a meeting was held to discuss me and other applicants this Sunday. They had the meeting and... STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO WITH ME. This meeting is with the THE board that reviews my application, they could have approved me in the god damn meeting and instead of even getting an explanation of what was discussed, the man simply told my father "call me back today." My father called him back later that day twice (which was yesterday, the 13th) and the guy didn't answer his phone. Welcome to Israel.

These people know my entire situation, with my mom and whatnot. They know I am yearning to be with my family in Israel and simply waiting on their signatures, but there's so much red tape in Israel it's fucking ridiculous. So everything is hinging on what the Jewish Agency representative tells my father tomorrow. If he even answers his phone, if he even gives a straight answer... call me tomorrow. I'll have an answer tomorrow.

To make things even more fucking confusing, I could sign up for a tourist program that costs $5000 through Masa. I'd prefer to go to the kibbutz since it has 20+ hours of ulpan a week and the Masa program has like 3 hours a week. But the problem, the deadline to sign up for Masa is this Thursday, in two days. I'm going down to the wire here between opting for plan B (Masa) before it's too late, or doing the much more desirable kibbutz program. My head is fucking spinning. If things go wrong with the kibbutz program, and I don't make it, and the deadline for Masa passes... I'm and unemployed American bum. Welcome to the suck.

So that's it, the situation in a nutshell. Not too confusing, right? Simple even.

UPDATE: My fucking application got deferred until another meeting that's happening this Monday. FML. Luckily, Masa has decided to extend the deadline for me until next week; they're being sympathetic to my situation. Still though, FML.

ii

Anyway, how do I feel. I feel stressed the fuck out. I'm still having second thoughts even though I know this is what I want to do (yup, that makes sense). I'm getting really frustrated with my dad because he's so calm and nonchalant about all this. Not that he doesn't care, but he's so god damn certain everything will work out, and even though yes, things look good, nothing is official, there are no guarantees yet. His calmness pisses me off especially when he tells me to calm down and starts joking with me. I'm getting really frustrated with him, but I know he's probably right. I did some terrible things to him when I was growing up, like hanging up on him when he was trying to reach out to me, or taking the phone off the hook when he called. I remember once I started mocking him, telling him I was converting to Islam or Christianity and singing "I love Jesus this I know, for the Bible tells me so" to ridicule him. Stuff I'm ashamed to my core to think about. The reason I did it was because he was convinced Sal was a Muslim and was trying to convert me, both patently false. Sal is Lebansese, yes, but not a Muslim, he's a Maronite Christian and completely secular. I was really close with Sal at the time and didn't like this imposer trying to insult my real dad. God, it's awful to think about. I think I was maybe fourteen at the oldest when this happened.

 In my defense, my ENTIRE family spoke illy of him, except Sal, ironically. Although, one time, I did hear Sal say to him on the phone "if you ever come next to me and my family, I'll break your fucking legs." At the time, I felt good about that, I felt safe. My dad was less than a person to me in a way, I had met him only a few times and my family was always reinforcing what a bad person he is.

If you ask them, they'll deny it, because they never outright said, "he's a bad person, don't talk to him" what they did was more subtle, and more insidious. They would always laugh at him and his antics, rant about how he never pays child support, misses visits with me, etc, all right in front of me. That's shit you just don't say in front the kid's son, even if it's true. When it comes down to is, I don't know the full story. Who was right, who was wrong. Like all conflicts, both parties were probably in the wrong. All that I've established as true since neither my mom or grandparents (her parents) or my dad have disputed that all my dad wanted to do was arrange time to see me. 

He exhausted all his money, time, and resources, all on legal fees, and all he ever tried to get was visitation rights. He sometimes got them, but they were rarely enforced, mainly because I got to a point where I didn't want to see him. After hearing my family constantly impugn him, including telling me how he probably wanted to kidnap me and take me to Israel, I was pretty disinclined to establish communication with him. I don't remember the facts anymore, but I'm pretty sure he did miss some visits and sometimes he would spontaneously leave America and return to Israel.

I still don't know what to make of what happened to our relationship when I was a kid. All I know is that I like him now and trust him now. He's not a bad person, my grandparents, he's most fervent opposers, don't even deny that. He's not immoral or a bad person by nature. They just say he's unreliable. God, I have no fucking idea. I was looking for copies of my parents divorce papers because the board in Israel for Aliyah requested to see them the other day. I didn't find them, but I found copies of legal documents between my parents and their lawyers. Disturbing shit. If you read them, you'd probably get bored and think there's nothing particularly alarming or interesting about these, but for me, when it's my OWN parents, it's rattling to read. Claims that my father threatened to kidnap me, that my mom is playing "hardball" with him because she wants him to return to Israel and not discover her drug use. (He was completely oblivious to that until a few months ago.) Anyway, it's all shit I'd rather not think about. But there I was, stuck in the middle.

I grew up without any real dad, and now I'm giving the prospect of having one in my life one last shot. So far it's working out pretty well. My dad did stay in America for more or less eighteen years while his entire family except me was in Israel. The only reason he stayed was to try to be with me, and he pretty much failed mainly because he almost always lost in court. That was his fault, he never paid child support, but his defense was that why should he pay child support if he's not seeing me? That aspect of his argument is a little off. Although, to be fair, my mother almost certainly wouldn't have used that money towards my benefit.

He's not a bad guy. I'm way too wary of father figures at this point in my life to make a completely off-base judgement on him. He has my best interests in mind. That I know for sure. That's the only thing that matters I guess. Everything else is pretty much up in the air.