Putting Things Into Perspective

Remember a couple posts ago how my step-dad said to me "big fucking deal" about my high school graduation? Well tonight he was having trouble getting pictures from his camera to upload to his computer. I fixed the problem and then was looking through the pictures with him. First were a couple pictures of me before my prom. I remember that day, how he disinterestedly said before I left that he should probably take a few photos of me in my suit. Next were a couple pictures of my graduation. Most of them were of Joseph, my brother and his son, except one, which was a picture of some kid in my grade. I don't know if he thought that was me.

He couldn't get any pictures of me at my graduation because he didn't stick around for the reception. Apparently, he had to go distribute the payroll at work. I was the only person there without an immediate family member.

Then next pictures were Joseph's pre-school graduation. Sal (my step-dad) started getting all excited and began laughing at the cute photographs. "Look at how cute he is!" he said in admiration. I let out a bitter laugh that to me meant "I should have guessed." Sal thought I was just laughing with him. My step-dad, who swore to me up and down five years ago that I'd never become #2 just because we weren't blood, didn't realize that pictures from my graduation were in the album until the second time we looked through them. He didn't really seem to care either.

Then I have a family in Israel. I'm my father's only son to him that has evidently remained a bond unbroken in the past eighteen-years of almost no contact. Without getting into the details, my family here tricked me into thinking he was evil during my childhood and I never gave him a fair chance. Now that I have, I can see what a great person he is, at least I think, because he's my dad and he truly acts like it. I wish that everyone in the world had someone like him as a parent. In addition to him, I have eight aunts and uncles (directly, not through marriage) that seemed to genuinely love me also. From them I have something like twenty-four first cousins. I got along really well with most of the ones that I got a chance to meet. Actually, I recently sent some of them messages on Facebook and they didn't respond, and I'm sensitive to rejection so I don't know what to make of that, but whatever, I'm going to assume they don't hate me.

All in all, I have immense respect for people that succeed in life without a healthy family for support. It seems like people are at such a disadvantage for being mentally healthy if they have a shitty family. This family of mine in Israel kind of magically appeared when I was 17 1/2 and now I'm going to do anything to be with them. If there ends up being serious dysfunction in the family that's slipped under my radar that will be painful for me but at the end of the day I'll just count my losses and move on with my life. I've lived eighteen years with a dysfunctional family, I can learn to do it again if I have to. For now, it's time be with the family I never had. I'm not going to the army only so I can be with them, the thought of being a soldier has interested me almost my whole life, but for now I feel like I have to join the IDF just so I can have the option of living in Israel later in life if I want to. So that I don't have to be with my family in New Jersey where I often feel like I'm an afterthought.

Except for my grandparents. They obviously care about me a lot, but their relationship with me is way too codependent to be healthy sometimes; as much as I love them I have to be honest. They freaked out when they found out I wanted to join the IDF and now my grandfather "can't deal with this shit." Thanks, I'm risking my life to defend OUR people and instead of at the very least being emotionally supportive, which isn't mutually exclusive with being happy with the decision, you've done everything you can to sweep what I'm going to do under the rug of your memory banks. They both think I'm throwing my life away, "wasting my potential." On the contrary, joining the army is one of the most important things a person can ever do. What other jobs can you get that have more people depending on you, that's for a more important cause than people's freedom and the right to exist? Just because it's not prestigious, just because you don't need a college degree to do it, my grandparents think it's a stupid waste of time.

Meanwhile my family in Israel thinks it's best for me to go be with them but because it's in my best interest. They said that if I come they'll be here for me, do everything they can to help me. They said I shouldn't listen to anyone, that I should make the decision between Israel and college (college in Israel wasn't an option) for myself and do what's best for me, and they'd support me no matter what. This is after having barely gotten to know me. Isn't a family that's in my corner like that worth fighting and sacrificing for, possibly even dying for? To me, the answer is as clear as day. I can't wait to get to Israel and be with them.