Relapse

When I started writing this blog I figured that before I left for Israel if I had any second thoughts I could go read that woe-is-me diatribe called "Why I'm Doing This" and become reinvigorated. A fire would be reignited under my ass and the target would become clear, but it hasn't been working like that. I think the only thing that's given any true reinvigoration recently are these two quotations from Chuck Palahniuk's Survivor:

"You're that tree falling in the forest that nobody gives a rat's ass about.

It doesn't matter if you do anything. If nobody notices, your life will add up to a big zero. Nada. Cipher.

Fake or not, it's these kinds of big truths that swarm inside you.

You realize that our mistrust of the future makes it hard to give up the past. We can't give up our concept of who we were... 

Our way of getting nostalgic for what we just threw in the trash, it's all because we're afraid to evolve. Grow, change, lose weight, reinvent ourselves. Adapt."

And also:

"To stand here and try to fix her life is just a big waste of time. People don't want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown. Most people who call me already know what they want."

Here's a book I barely remember reading but as soon as I saw these two quotations rehashed on the internet I got hit square between the eyes, that all I want is to give myself a change of scenery. Way back before my idea to join the army was little more than a lion floating in the vast unknown of my thoughts and dreams, it was passages like this that would make my stomach curl with excitement, and shame also, shame that I was only sitting here and thinking about following a dream of mine.

When I first wanted to join the IDF, I had these pathetic fantasies of me becoming revered by my classmates. It makes sense I guess, a big reason I went to Israel was because I was sick of belonging to nowhere in particular. How could I make everyone care? Make everyone realize that I was the super cool kid who's gone unnoticed for his whole life?

Of course in light of my classmates finding out, that didn't happen, not even close. Most of them think it's just a really cool idea with no concept of what it entails. Not to say I have such a good idea myself, but when I hear shit like yooooooooo man you need to be one of those dudes that stand around the cities with their motorcycles, those dudes are fucking BAD ASS, they probably get to kill SO MANY PEOPLE. or actually no, no, wait, you should be a PILOT man... yeah that's a good idea a fuckin' PILOT. you know why man? do...you...fuckin'....know...WHY? cause pilots FUCK. SHIT. UP.

I even laugh and humor people when they say stupid shit like this, but it disturbs me a little. I go to a rich college prep school and I'm going to make a statement I have no business making because I'm as dumb as they are, but still: these kids have no concept of anything outside of their world. How the fuck is that cool? I don't want to kill people. I mean I'm prepared to do it, obviously, and I believe in what Israel stands for in spite of all its negative press, but Jesus fucking Christ, I'm not looking forward to ending another person's life. Not in the least. That's not why I'm doing this.

Why is it that whenever I'm near sleep, whether I'm falling asleep or just waking up, I get these horrible second thoughts, things that radiate throughout me the whole day until they pick up momentum the following morning or night.

Things that make me shiver and feel like if you could zoom into that little pixel that contrasts against the abyss in the Pale Blue Dot, I wouldn’t even be there... not even a dot on a dot.

When I manage to find out about parties for an entire month, and find out that no one cares and that my Blackberry isn’t going to be ringing off the hook to invite to me the one’s this weekend, it puts shit into perspective. In the face of a big decision, I’m learning how little people give a fuck about anything I do. There’s no grand scheme to exclude me, and it's arrogant to even assume people care enough about you to do something like that. This isn't the end of the world, in fact it's liberating. It's something that allows, or perhaps forces you, to live for yourself.

So here I am, The Stranger, trying to be the one person in the world who really cares about what happens to me. Sometimes I get terrified by the fact that I could be dead in a couple years, sometimes I think... maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Call it a blessing or a curse, I don’t have the inherent work ethic to buy into our bull shit system, I can’t dedicate myself to something unless I’m 100% behind it, and even then I need constant motivation. That’s why I need to have someone screaming over my shoulder and making my entire platoon do push ups when I fuck up, if nothing else to teach me what dedication is. If I can’t learn to become dedicated and focused, there’s no question about it, I will not make anything out of my life. Here's my attempt to prevent that. How else am I going to follow my other dreams such as being a writer if I'm a lazy fuck who always thinks to himself

Yeah I got this great idea for a story...

Yeah there's this book I've heard was really good...

There's a girl I like I'd really like to talk to...

...but it can wait until later.

I've been deluding myself, and I know it. I want to join the sayerot (Special Forces in the IDF) I'll think. I haven't done any type of physical exercise in MONTHS. Every night I always say that I'll go running... I'll go running... tomorrow. I imagine myself running around a track, no one else is there, and the movie camera that is following me is edited flawlessly to change angles in tandem with the music and in a way that reveals to the audience (that doesn't exist) what a dedicated and admirable soul I am. Then I put down my bag of Doritoes to grab a soda and go play Fifa '09 (great game).

FUCK. THAT. All it tells me is that I'm still too self-centered to look at accomplishing any type of goal from a realistic perspective. That people simply won't care until I produce something that is of value. No one cares what a tortured soul I am or how fucking terrible (read: slightly below average) my childhood was. Or shit. I don't know. It's fucking hard to wrap my head around the fact that I don't know the first thing about the world at this point. That's why I'm trying to do something unique. So that at least I have some life experience under my belt so I can say that I actually do know. Here I go... it's going to be a pretty big fucking long shot.

Ultimately I think that true hardship is not only character building, but also the best mirror that there is, and I want to get a pretty good look at what I'm made of; but I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm pretty fucking scared of what's going to be revealed to me.