Shady's Back (The Introduction)

My name is Eli, I'm a an 18-year-old born-and-raised American who has decided to go to Israel to join the IDF and blah blah blah.... Look, the truth is if I've ever been more scared to do something in my life, I've blocked it from my memory. Getting over the fear of roller coasters is a solid analogy for how I feel right now. The train comes in and the people who are getting off are all smiling and cheering, "That was fucking awesome, man!" but that does nothing to calm your nerves. You take your seat and the assistant impatiently straps you in. It's not too late to get off, you tell yourself. But no, you can't fucking back out now. Then the train starts moving and you know you've crossed the point of no return which brings you even closer to a full-blown panic. You're trying to hard to not be a bitch, to tell every natural instinct in your body that everything will be OK.

Then there's that god damn fucking ascent up the hill. Everyone who's been on a roller coaster knows about this. If you're not scared of coasters this is no big deal; it's fun even. But when it's your first time all you can focus on is that chain emotionlessly pulling you to the top as the noise it makes grinds against your nerves until they're shattered and mangled. You look down and notice how the ground is moving away from you. An eternity later you get to the top, and there's no moment of clarity or nirvana where you just accept your fate; you're about ready to freak the fuck out until you feel the wind pick up and the coaster zip down. Then it happens: you start to have fun. Before you get to the bottom of the first hill you realize this isn't that bad at all. By the time you get to the second hill, you're enjoying yourself in a stupefied "what the fuck was I so afraid of?" state-of-mind.

That's what it's like waiting to go to Israel this summer. Just replace forty-five seconds going up a steel hill with three months of painfully cyclical thoughts and having intense conversations with yourself when you try to fall asleep at night. Hey there, Eli, it's your old pal, Common Fucking Sense. Do you remember me? We haven't spoken in a while. I was just wondering, do you want to die? Do you want to throw away a college education? Do you want to spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair sipping spaghetti through a straw? Oh you don't, huh? Then go fucking get your college acceptance letters, those enrollment fees aren't going to deposit themselves.

Yeah, those acceptance letters are tempting. I got into some schools that I'd be really happy to go to. What's good is that these moments of doubt are always followed by these fleeting moments of clarity where I remember all the great times I've had in Israel, what a connection I felt with my family and with the country, and the emotional gauntlet I had to run through every time I left. Most of all though, I remember how confident I was that I could be a soldier and that I belonged to this country, and how I anticipated that when I returned to America my confidence would dissipate. No, I don't want to end up in a casket, but this is important enough to me that I'm damn well sure I don't mind taking the risk.

With one small problem, that is; I haven't gotten to the top of the first hill yet, or knocked over the first domino, or whatever stupid metaphor you want to use. Until I do, I'll have nothing to comfort myself but my own thoughts and fears, the main one being that this isn't a fucking roller coaster and there's no guarantee that I'm going to "realize this isn't bad at all" the second I start the first drop. What the fuck would count as the first drop anyway? Getting off the plane? Starting basic? Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to have a clear vision of how this will turn out until I'm at the point of no-return and there's not a god damn thing I can do about it? Is this what living your life feels like?

I really want to be a kid forever.

NOTE: Here's the explanation.