Did I Say 14 Months?

First I'd like to say that I did my research, I really did. This research included two official Israeli websites and an official message board for foreign IDF volunteers. The moderators of the MB and the two websites all said in plain English that even though I'm an Israeli citizen I'm exempt from serving three years like most Israeli men; I could do fourteen months if I wanted under the condition that I'd leave the country when I finished. A year after I left I could return for vacations until I was twenty-seven at which point I could live in Israel if I wanted to, and I was perfectly happy going down this path. That was, until the Israeli government executed a top-secret operation with the sole objective of giving me the dick. Its code name was: "Operation Give Eli the Dick". Looks like this "short path for Israeli citizens residing overseas" doesn't actually exist. I don't have to do three years, only 2.5, but still, finding out that you have to do thirty-months instead of fourteen fucks with your head just a little bit.

Hi Grandpa. How's it feel entering your mid-seventies? You're really getting there, huh? How's the cancer treatment coming along? Grandma! How's your heart condition treating you? Good? Good! Anyway, remember that promise I made about going to college in two years? Yeah, about that.

Hey there, College Education That Should Lead Me Into a Stable Future. You probably can't hear me from over there, but there's been a slight delay. Sorry, speak up, I can't hear you. "Suck my schlong"? Why would I suck your schlong? Oh, oh, you said, "how long?" Shouldn't be more than two additional years. Summer winter summer winter. Sorry, that sucks, but it's the way it is. Anyway, call when you can, but I understand if you can't since it's expensive long distance.

Hi Joseph, my five-year-old brother that's already been abandoned by his mother! Eli's going to have to go away for a while. A little longer than he was originally planning to, anyway. I know you're too young to comprehend the difference between two years and four years, but it's a big one. I'm confident that me leaving you won't fuck with your already fucked with emotions, self-esteem, and sense of guilt. I should know, I've been more or less in your situation. I wish I could stay with you until you were an adult and share your burden with you, but I'm at that point where I have to leave you and carve my own niche in this world.

Hey guys that I go to school with. When I'm a freshmen you're all seniors and I'm pledging to your frat, please don't haze me harder than any of the other pledges, OK? When you're all working on Wall Street and making millions of dollars, and you feel like calling in sick, know that at that very moment I'm loaded on caffeine writing a twenty-five page paper on the socioeconomic status of young gay males in south-eastern China, and it's due in two hours. Also, I'm probably hungover.

Hey there, Statistical Chance of Being Killed or Dismembered! You look at least twice as big since the last time I saw you. Have you been working out? Oh, and I saw your cousin the other day, Statistical Chance of Going to College! Whatever work out program you're on, you should tell him about it because, between you and me, he looks a little frail.

Well at least things aren't all bad, there is a small glimmer of hope. I scheduled to meet with an IDF representative at my local Israeli embassy. Maybe he'll tell me that I'm wrong and I can do fourteen months. Things don't look good though.

Also, I know that the minimum time you can serve in the American military is something like two years and that's a special program, so now I feel like a bitch complaining about a measly 2.5. Whatever, fuck you, it hit me from a blind spot.